Area Couple to Birth Organic, Fair Trade, Shade-grown, Free Range, Non-GMO Offspring

cabbage-baby-FlippedA Willy Street dwelling couple vows to birth the purest baby yet; free from crop-based foods funded by tyrannical International Monetary Fund policies and uncompromised by disingenuous carbon credit schemes.

It’s a quest that could challenge the natural foods resources of their local co-op.

Last week at their co-op, as they perused a recently configured “warehousey” looking aisle, the pesca-curious couple was horrified at the baby food selections which they claimed showed a dangerous non-local hemispheric bias.

“Longitudinal preferences by our local grocers is an emerging problem,” said expectant father Fareed Guyot. “If we feed these biased foods too early in our children’s lives, it’s just a slippery slope toward geographical culinary hatred when they grow older.”

This pure-baby quest may be thwarted shortly after it has begun as the soon-to-be parents found in a subsequent visit that their co-op’s produce section lacks adequate infant-specific nutritional labeling.

“They haven’t had basil for over a week now,” said mom-to-be Jamie Guyot. “How will I know if it’s the right basil? My growing baby needs calcium and a proper sense of how to flavor and garnish foods.”

Having just consciously coupled last fall, the pair have made adjustments to accommodate the needs of their offspring, including a backyard garden that will be managed using only non-confrontational methods ensuring the most minimal impact on the foods it produces.

After some online research and one donation to PETA (Kim Basinger Synod), approved fencing was installed to protect against local rabbit hordes which have disfigured previously planted chives.

Family dynamics will also test the couple’s neophyte parenting as their current cat children have not responded well during a recent family meeting called to discuss the new family member.

“Baby Guyot is not due until Thanksgiving so we have some time,” Fareed said. “But there are a lot of decisions to be made such as nursery wall colors, where to purchase sweatshop-free onesies and whether we should start prenatal French or Mandarin lessons.”